When is an "I am sorry" necessary?

My hot date is hilarious and we have lots of fun together. There are serious moments and topics as well. Last week a wasp flew into the house and a slew of obscenities flew out of my mouth as I struggled to get it back out the door. After all was said and done I turned to Mitchell and said, "Mommy is so sorry for saying all those bad words." and his reply was so sweet and classic Mitchell, "that’s ok Mom, I know you don't like snakes and bugs." Oh, I love this kid

This little exchange left me with the question, "when do you apologize to your children if ever?"

Since it is just Mitchell and I. I assumed early I would make lots of mistakes because there was no one else to bounce ideas off of or no one to share the parenting role with on a daily basis. I know some of you want to know where his father is and he is alive and around but not an active parent. All of this also made me more purposeful in my parenting. Since Mitchell’s father never and I mean never had a parenting plan or a thought beyond right now, I had to do it. And I knew I got one chance. Thankfully, early on in my parenting someone gave me some great advice.

Whatever the situation, ask yourself “will this matter in 10 minutes, 10 hours, or 10 years?”

That information was so freeing and the weight of constant failure seemed lifted off my shoulders. I could carry on with my days and not feel guilty because I didn’t get the laundry done or the dishes weren’t stacked neatly in the cabinets or Mitchell’s room wasn’t picture perfect. These things were not important to me, He was. But even with this in my arsenal of mom stuff I was still going to make mistakes and I did, boy did I EVER and still do.  

One day I pinched his little cute, fat legs by accident with the car seat buckle, his smile immediately turned into a twisted look of pain, the tear machine turned on and the scream that came out of his mouth was blood curdling. To say I felt terrible was an understatement. I got that buckle undone in record time, scooped him up and I held him tight with tears in my eyes rocking him gently and saying, “Mommy is so so sorry, mommy is so sorry.” I must have said it at least 25 times trying to sooth him as I walked around my car in the Target parking lot. And it wasn’t till other mom’s walked by and gave me that “I get it” look that I began to feel ok.

In that instant an apology was easy, it was heartfelt and we both needed it to move on.

But what about the times when an apology has to be choked out or because we are the parent and children are children we refuse to give one even thought we were dead wrong.

Apologies in general:

1. When we physically hurt our children we should apologize, we will all slam small hands in doors, step on them by accident, pinch or squish them at some point or another.
2. I spank and have no shame in it! Spare the rod and spoil the child. However afterwards if he cries or looks super hurt I will apologize that it hurt him but not that I did it. I explain, over and over that it is my duty as a parent to discipline.
3. I am not a yeller but I will raise my voice to get his attention. I have yelled at him out of frustration and I will apologize for raising my voice and how I said something. We haven’t gotten to the point where I have been wrong for what I said.
4. I will apologize for placing him in terrible situations. My friend Kim and I took our boys to the zoo once and we got there at feeding time. The bird keeper at the zoo did not explain to us that Kookaburras’ were carnivores and so the boys and parents watched in horror as the bird killed its prey and then ate it. (And if you are asking why we didn’t move? Well we were blocked in by other patrons and it all happened in 30 seconds). Kim and I apologized all day!
5. When someone else has hurt Mitchell be it another child or an adult I step in and apologize and teach a lesson. This apology is hardest because it isn’t mine to give.

I will admit apologies are difficult especially when you didn’t grow up with them. However, change isn’t impossible and those little faces can always encourage us to do the right thing

These are not absolutes but guides. As single parents we will be more frustrated than parents in two parent homes because it’s just us. It’s a guarantee that we will run out of time, energy and money. But we never run out of love. Enjoy your children as they mature. Find something to love about every stage.

Please feel free to leave comments or questions, until our next date have a good one!